How to Patronise Friends and Irritate People

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Do you ever feel looked down upon? Are you the butt of every joke in your friend circle? Do people think they’re better than you? I thought so. But don’t worry, help is at hand. You, my friend, need the patented Edi Adegbola Patronisation System™.

Here are some surefire tips to put people in their place. Or at least a place lower than yours. After all, “Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I’m tired of making other people feel good about themselves!” (Homer Simpson, 1990)

  • Call people honey.
  • Be taller than people; bend to their level.
  • Pat people on the head or ruffle their hair playfully.
  • Respond to anything people say with “that’s cute”
  • Tell people to “walk with me” when instigiating a conversation. Walk and talk to them until you reach your destination, then tell them you’ve “just got to duck out, but would love to continue this conversation later”.
  • When disagreeing with people, make thoughtful faces and pause frequently, as if you’re trying to carefully choose words that won’t offend them. Then use words that offend them.
    • e.g. “Well… how can I put this? It’s not that… it’s not that you don’t… understand the concept…. It’s more that you… have a rather… hmmm… juvenile understanding of it.”
  • When disagreeing with people tell them that you completely understand where they’re coming from.
  • Simplify already simple concepts for people or explain simple words to them. “So we’re off to matinee – that’s a play in the afternoon.”
  • Hold your index finger up when people are speaking to get them to stop.
  • Tell people you remember when you were their age. Even if you’re younger than them. Just say it with enough confidence and it’ll have the desired effect.
  • Smile knowingly every time you see them, as if you know exactly what they’re up to.
  • Say “excuse the pun” with a superior smirk every time you finish a sentence. It’ll drive people crazy trying to work what out manner of sophisticated pun you’re talking about.

And there you have it. A guide to making yourself seem more important than other people. That’ll be £1700 please. You can pay in 6 easy installments.

This was obviously a joke. There’s enough selfishness and ego in the world. Let’s do what we can to make people feel better, not worse. This website is full of great ideas, samll and big, to make positive changes in the world.

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